haha, so i got a lot of very... interesting emails about my last post.

my favorite one was this,
"maybe suicide is some ppls only outlet n you have no right to talk about it. its not yer place to tell ppl whats right and wrong we know the diference noone asked for your opinion. keep it to yerself cause its not fair that you make ppl feel bad about what they choose to do about there problems".

that was the best. lmfao.
FIRST OF ALL; this is my journal. my blog. therefore, my opinions.
keep them to myself? motherfucker, you don't have to read what i write.
and if that's their only outlet, then let them kill themselves. whatever.
people should feel bad enough that they're pathetic & have no coping skills.
that's not my problem, nor is it my fault. so i don't really give a fuckkk.

anyways, things have been okay today.
kinda boring, not much happened.
tonight, i have two options.
i can either go to a party out in charlotte with ben & josh.
or stay around here & hang out with mia, possibly phil & tommy.
hmm. decisions, decisions.

haha, anywho. i'm actually pretty excited for school to start back up.
i mean, think about it... this is my last year in highschool.
then, i go to college & start living my life the fuck up.
i just want to get highschool done & over with so that i can start building my future.
i'm kind of nervous about my future.
i don't know, i have a feeling i'm not going to make anything of myself.
but i know that's bullshit as long as i keep having faith in myself.
whatevs. everything will work out as long as i stay strong.

so, i was kind of upset today because i still haven't seen samantha.
but pretty soon i'm leaving to go up to new jersey to be with her.
the main issue was my mom's birthday is coming up & i wanted to be here for it.
but my mom explained it to me like this;
"rochelle lynne fitzgerald, i want you to be happy above all else. why should i be excited about a birthday? because i'm another year older? fuck that. i don't mind waiting until you get back to celebrate my birthday. that way, i know you're happy & you're with the person you love, i'm happy. plus, i don't mind at all waiting a few days to realize that i'm not getting any younger. so call her RIGHT NOW and tell her that we're getting you a ticket to go be with her for your three year anniversary."

mommy knows when your heart hurts.
i love my mother more than anyone in the world.
i know she wants me to be happy but i still want to be here for her.
but if she's okay with me going to be with samantha, then i'm game.
that's all i really wanted to do this summer anyway, was to be with her.
maybe i just needed to realize how bad i wanted it.

anyways, i'm gonna go.
i'm talking to kris (: byeee.

ahh. so things are getting better, gradually.
i went to kenneth's house last night...
it was pretty fun.
it was kenneth, brittaney, scooter, debbie, tom, david & i.
we were all sitting around smoking & drinking.
it was amazing. i had a great time.
i watched the matrix reloaded for the first time in my life.
& it made me realize why i never saw it to begin with.
i'm sorry but i just couldn't get in to that movie!


       NOTE; i'm about to give my opinions on a very touchy subject so if you can't handle that, then stop reading.

anyways... not much has been going on lately. just thinking about a lot of shit.
i was talking to my friend chelsea, because i love her.
and she was telling me this story... i won't explain it because of privacy & junk.
but basically, it got me thinking about suicide... not considering it, but thinking about it in general.
like... suicide is such a cowards way out.
maybe it's my pride... maybe it's the way i was raised... i'm not sure.
keep in mind when i say this that i'm not religious at all. to me, god is nonexistent.
       - i look at it in more of a logical, scientific light.. but we'll save that discussion for another blog ;D
the way i see it, i'll die when i'm meant to die.
everything happens for a reason. and although i don't believe in god, heaven, hell, whatever...
i do believe that everything is predetermined.
i have a purpose on this planet & i won't die until i fulfill that purpose.
suicide, to me, is just giving up. it's taking defeat rather than bucking up & fighting it.
once again, maybe it's my pride, but i know that with the right amount of willpower, i can overcome any obstacle that's thrown at me.
trials & tribulations are just that; TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS. it's a test.
a test of strength. a test of your will to live. a test on your character.
basically, the world has no faith in you at all to begin with.
so to all of you that say 'the world gave up on me', take that shit & shove it straight up your ass.
fuck that. people that commit suicide are giving up on themselves.
and to be straight up, if you depend on other people's acceptance to make you happy, you will NEVER be happy.
you are never going to be loved by everyone. you are never going to have the support of every person on the planet.
i believe in myself. regardless of how many times people told me i would fail, regardless of how many times people told me i'd never be good enough & that i'd never make anything of myself.
look at me. i'm about to graduate high school, something a lot of people in my family haven't done yet.
i've got a 3.6 GPA which is better than even i expected for myself.
i've got dreams & i'm going for them.
so if you tell me i need someones acceptance or i need a shoulder to lean on, i'm gonna laugh right in your face.
i have noone and i'm better off that way.
people tell me that it's a sad way to live but it's not. i know who i am, i know what i'm about.
i know my strength. i know how much willpower i have.
i will NEVER give up on myself, no matter who likes me & who doesn't.
no matter who believes in me & who doesn't.
fuck that. i know my worth.
basically, i have no respect for anyone that commits suicide. i'm sorry, but that's just the pussy way out.
"be strong now because things will get better. it may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever."


       - i'm done with that topic.


anyways, i'm so fucking bored. i don't know what to do with myself.
butbutbut, i've got the design for my tattoo done! :D yayay.
i had to find the picture, figure out what size i want, sketch it out, fix it up, shade it, color it, and then figure out how to fit my mom's name on there.
and let me just tell you 'diannah agrippina' is not easy to fit.
but i'm glad i finished it. it took forever but it's always been my dream to design a tattoo.
and surprisingly enough considering all i'm really good at is graffiti, this turned out amazingly.
i haven't showed it to my mom yet. i kinda want it to be a surprise.
she doesn't even know what it is of yet!
    for those of you who don't know; i have a really shitty hatchetman tattoo on my back that i let a drunken friend of mine do. so, my mom agreed to take me to get it covered up for my birthday if it was dedicated to her somehow. so what i decided was i would get  a bouquet of  belladonna flowers (AKA ; naked ladies) that are intertwined sort of, but it looks as if they're laid across eachother. there's a ribbon around them, holding the stems together & my moms DIANNAH is above the bouquet at an angle, sloped upwards & AGRIPPINA, her middle name is below the bouquet at an angle, sloped downwards.
anyways, so i finally drew it all up & colored it & shaded it. it's amazing, i think :)

well, on that note i'm gonna go.
i'm like bullshit tired. it's 6;08 AM & i still haven't slept, haha.
oh, sweet summertime.
i'll update this tomorrow if i remember :) night!

hmm.
so, things are getting a lot better.
james & i are friends again, i'm actually on his top friends on myspace again. wootwoot (:
samantha & i are talking so much more, and i'm so happy. i love her so much and i missed her.
 - "are you afraid of being alone? 'cause i am. i'm lost without you."

anyways, drama is done. mia & i are are chill again.
& i dunno about phil.
forgive but don't forget but it's hard for me to even forgive.
doesn't matter though. everything will work itself out in the end.

anyways, summer is like almost over.
and in a way, i'm glad. this summer was such bullshit.
but i think i've grown. i've learned a lot, so maybe it's not all bad.
ben & i are getting closer again. i missed him.
he wants to take me on tour this year. he's going with benny, from death before dishonor.
i want to go so bad, it's in canada :D wootttt. i hope i go.

so, becky's been really sick lately. i'm really worried about her.
the doctors say she's got the first signs of heart disease & she's been having seizures a lot lately.
i hate it, i want her to be okay.

anyways, kenneth & scooter & debbie are here.
so, i'm gonna hop off here.
sorry i've been ghosting this thing lately, i'll start updating more.
out with mia later? dunno.
hopefully, the night will end with a drunken rochelle.
one can only hope.
laaaatttteeeeeerrrrrr. 

...i know i could have loved you, but you wouldn't let me.
-- baha, i love that song.


anyways, so there's been so much going on since i last posted in this bitch.
i've officially established i hate summer.
not just because of the heat & the sweat & the stickiness & the smelliness.
so much FUCKING drama. i'm so tired of it.

well, my mom broke her wrist today.
because of her fibromyalgia (sp?), she managed to lose all her coordination...
and she fell off of a bike -_-
it sucks to see her like that. it breaks my heart.
but i know that everything happens for a reason.
anyways, today was really shitty....
i don't want to explain it but let's just say that once again, as it always is with me,
two of the people i cared most for fucked me over.
simultaneously, too! it's crazy.
like, they both fucked me over by doing the same thing &they did it together.
but i've realized a lot of things and all of my realizations stemmed from being fucked over again.
i realized how much my family loves me.
and my true friends... i realized who my true friends are.
ben, kris, carlos. they were the three that were there for me today.
and the people that will be there for me till the ends of the earth.
my mom, becky, angel, frank & brittaney. they are my family.
and the people that will be there for me till the ends of the earth.
how could i ask for any more?


either way, i'm growing a lot as a person.
i've realized who is important to me & who isn't.
i've realized that the most important person is me.
there is not a DAMN person on this planet that would put me above themselves.
so why should i put anyone above myself?
i shouldn't.
that's the bottom line.


anyways, it's like 2;27 am.
i'm going the fuck to bed.
i'll update this tomorrow because there's a lot i need to get off my chest.

hah, it's been almost a month since i wrote in this bitch.
this might be a longgg entry. but probably not.
anyways, not much has been going on.
drama, fights, drunken nights, senior weekend was pretty fucking amazing.
uhhmmm. well, today is beckys birthday.
but we're celebrating it tomorrow, since it's the fourth of july and all.
maybe i'll have a picture post after tomorrow (:
i would do one today for the senior weekend pictures...
but i'm a retard that can't find the USB cord for my camera.
genius, right? fosho.


anyways, i've been kind of... weird lately.
like, i'm actually in a good mood.
i've been pretty happy for awhile now.
samantha STILL isn't here, and i kind of want to kill myself for that
but i mean, aside from that things are going okay.
and maybemaybemaybe she'll be here for the 12th.
because that's vince & savannah's birthday party
and they want her there.
i want her here. <3

ANDANDAND! i'm trying to quit smoking cigarettes.
i know it's probably not gonna happen for awhile,
but i'm making a serious effort.
i've stopped smoking newports & i'm back to smoking kools now.
i've cut back a lot, i'm smoking so much less.
hopefully soon, i'll move to lights.
like marlboro menthol lights or something.
then, just cut down on those
& eventually ween myself off of them.
that's my goal by like...
okay, the end of the first semester of next school year.
i want to be 100% smoke free.
think i can do it?

so, i'm watching the pagemaster.
the one with the talking books.
amazing. i haven't seen this movie since i was like 10, haha.
i love it. and tobie's cuddling with me (:
for those of you who don't know, tobie is my dog.
my baby girl <3

anyways, i'm done.
i'll start making an effort to update this shit more often, haha.
no promises though (:
love, peace &+ hair grease :D

wowww, i've been neglecting this again.
probably because it's summer now...
well, let's try & update this shit.

well, summer's been pretty decent.
started off with a heartbreak, but i moved on pretty quick & got in a much better mood.
i'm already in the midsummer sleeping pattern; sleeping all day & staying up all night.
uhhmm, i'm about to get a job at bojangles. lmao.
or cracker barrel. it's my choice :D
and, senior weekend is coming up.
as in, rent a cottage & get fucked up all weekend.
we were gonna do it this weekend but there were some people we couldn't get in touch with.
& plus, some of us {as in me} felt like shit. but it's whatevs.

summer so far has been prettyy crazyyy.
the first day of summer there was a big old throwdown.
basicallyyy, a bunch of my friends & i got jumped.
but we beat some ass.
i've never seen chelly fight, but she beasted it haha.

uhm... well, yesterday was fathers day.
i kind of talked to my father? but it wasn't a good convo.
but my daddy becky had an amazing fathers day.
i fucking cooked dinner for like 3 hours, and she loved it.
then it was the presents & cards & everything.
then my mom & my sister got their hair cut.
blahblahblahblahblahblah.
then, mia came over.
jay, brittaney, mia & i went to go get phil<3
he snuck out of his house just to go with us, haha.
and then we went to the haunted bridge.
nothing happened.
brittaney, jay & i smoked a blunt.
it was a wild apple whiteowl.
DELICIOUS. anywayssss...
i think all this drama with james & nicole is done.
i mean, i know nicole still hates me & james still feels awkward around me.
but i've given up on it. it's such a waste of my time that it's not even funny.


i, however, have had some drama with a person that i cared really deeply for.
i loved him, and once again he fucked me over.
so i'm wondering why i still bother caring for anyone?
it's whatever.
all i know is that as long as i'm happy, fuck everyone else.
i have my mother. i have my amazing girlfriend samantha. i have my sister. and i have my daddy becky.
who else do i need?


anyways, i'm out.
jay's coming over? idk what we're doing.

...but this is bothering me.
i'm going to jump around, so you probably shouldn't even waste your time reading this.



a smile can hide the greatest pain.
secrets can be kept for ages.
people can leave you whenever they want.
a lie is told in mere seconds.
happiness is where you make it..
..so is sadness.

i know i'm not a bad person... i don't even know you.
i love what i do & who i do it with.
so how can one thing someone says stick in me, and make me so angry?
so...unvalidated.
you don't even have to be a person that matters to me to knock me down.
what does that mean about me?
say something about me?
that's fine.
hate me?
okay.
but say that be cause of what i do, i'm useless...
...i just don't get it.


why are there people who only do things to hurt others?
they know the one thing that could rock someones world...
...and they do it... for a rush of power?
and i keep these people around.
for what?
there are so many amazing people that have become my new family, and i still have the urge to be around people who just blindly throw stones.
just to feel.
there is an antithesis to people & what they are.
i don't know if i'll ever be able to understand.
why do people do what they do?
who is telling me the truth & who is just putting on a front?
it's not just me. everyone wants to be wanted.
and maybe noone is putting on a front at all.
we are all just yearning for a piece of the world.


sometimes my heartbeat keeps me awake.
last night was one of those nights.
it feels like it's pounding in my chest when it shouldn't be...not just beating.
i can feel it in my whole chest. i feel it in my hands. in the top of my head.
i'm tired of having feelings.
i hate myself sometimes.

i have a feeling i'm like bipolar or something.
i just went from like a ridiculously good mood to really pissy.
i dunno what it is.
eh. anyways.
i sent james a message on myspace yesterday.
i doubt he's going to read it but whatever.
i feel better getting a bunch of shit off my chest.

so, last night was pretty decent.
mia came over at like 1;10 in the morning, haha.
we dipped the fuckkk outtt.
brittaney, james, shawn & nicole blew us off.
as usual...
but mia & i always manage to have an amazing time.
everyone else is just an accessory. ;D
we drove around for awhile, went to mcdonalds.
i got a big mac, she got a quarter pounder.
and ridiculously salty fries that are probably going to be stuck in our arteries for a few years.
and some good old dr pepper.
and we went to the playground & ate under the gazebo & shared.
yay. then we went all the way out to bumfuck egypt to get kris.
we really didn't do much, but it was fun.
i peed in the tennis court in some rich housing development
because that's how i roll.
it was pretty sweet.
i didn't get home until like almost 5;00.
and becky bitched at me.
'you're just coming home & i'm getting up for work.'
eh, whatevs. i'm not worried about it.

today has been pretty boring.
idk. i've been getting weird spam emails from this lady that like..
idk i guess her husband  died & left her 10 million dollars but she has cancer
so she wants me to give it to my church.
i don't go to church?
i just think it's funny that some people fall for that shit.
can you say IDENTITY THEFT?
i can.
IDENTITY THEFT.
hah, anyways.

samantha & i haven't been talking as much lately.
since she's got work & i've been studying for my exams...
i guess we just haven't had much time.
plus a whole bunch of drama at home.
and i'm getting sick like every other day.
it makes me sad ):
but on a better note, only a few more weeks until she's out of school & she comes down here.
so i'm pretty fucking pumpeddd. i miss her so much, it's crazy.
it's like an out of this world feeling to miss someone that much.
i never thought i would. but she's wonderful.
AND OUR THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY IS THIS SUMMER :D
idk what we're going to do, but it'll be amazing. i have a feeling.
hopefully better than last years... =/

anyways, i'm done. i'm gonna take a nap or something.

PS ;; i'm proud of myself for actually keeping up with this thing pretty nicely. yeah boyyyy.
bye (:

get sillyyyy.
this song has been stuck in my head all fucking day, haha.
anyways, so last night sucked.
i had a strong suspicion it would.
fucking, it was all good until it came time for me to chill with my sister.
basically, she & i had a huge fucking blow-out in front of everyone we were with.
and she started bitching & walked off.
and i really didn't give a shit.
sad, right? it's whatever.
i'm tired of her always having an attitude with me & making it out to be my fault.


anyways, i got to see jose & rogan yesterday.
they took turns giving me back massages.
oh man, it was amazing haha i thought i was going to die.
and then i met up with carlos, jairo & arnold.
& rogan & jose left.
then we all went to the park.

today is probably not going to go as well.
i dunno what i'm doing. it's already like 6;00 and i have yet to make any plans.
chances are, i'm going to be hanging out with mia when she gets off of work.
that's how it is every weekend, haha.
i think i'm gonna try & talk to james?
not sure. idk if it's fucking worth it.
i just want all the bullshit to stop.
i'm not saying i want to be friends with him again; fuck all that.
but i want a clean slate so that i can TRY to move on & get over all this drama.
and nicole; i know i need to talk to her.
i'm a little worried about it though b/c i know that if she even says one thing that i can mistake as rude,
i'll go off. & that's not exactly how i want to go about 'talking' to her.
so idk if that's worth it either?
whatevs.
from what i understand, she thinks i have a crush on james.
FACT: i do NOT have a crush on james.
i'm happily taken <3
and even if i did, i've been cheated on.
i don't fucking like nicole, but i wouldn't want her to feel like that.
but it's whatevs.
we shall soon find out :) however shit goes down...
...at least i'm getting shit off my chest.

anyway, i'm done.
i'm gonna try & figure out something to do.
byeee.